Welcome to
Clintonholics
Anonymous
(A faith based organization. Nudge-nudge.)
The relative success of the C.A. program seems to be due to the fact that a Clintonholic who no longer obsesses has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled Limbecile.
In simplest form, the C.A. program operates when a recovered Clintonholic passes along the story of his or her own Bill/Hillary/Chelsea Clinton obsession, describes the joy of having a life he or she has found in C.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.
The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Clinton Haters Society:
The Twelve Steps of Clintonholics Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over Bill Clinton, and although he is no longer president, our obsession with him had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of James Carville as we understood Him.
4. Stopped making searching and cowardly moral inventories of others and got our own hypocritical houses in order.
5. Admitted to Henry Hyde, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Gawd remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Bill to forgive us.
8. Made a list of all Clintons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to the Clintons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, unlike Rush Limbaugh, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our inner Bubbas as we understood them.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Clintonholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. Congressional Republicans seem to have a particularly bad time with the fourth step. Imagine that!
They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered Clintonholics describe their personal experiences, and to read C.A. literature describing and interpreting the C.A. program.
C.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem Clinton obsessives themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact Clintonholics.
At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that Clintonholism is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from whining about Bill Clinton and his family.
We feel your pain!™
Go back to Dueling Bushes