You Might Be A Dittohead Conservative...
1. If you think the term "Dittohead" is something to be proud of.
2. If you think the "No Smoking" sign in airplanes is Commie-pinko propaganda.
3. If you've ever attended a cross-burning.
4. If you'd rather believe Rush Limbaugh's "theories" than scientifically
proven facts.
5. If you preach adoption rather than abortion, but would never actually adopt
a child yourself.
6. If you always think of the children first...until they're 18, at which
point they are to be kicked out of the house.
7. If the only balls you have are the ones in your golf bag.
8. If you feel it's easier for someone to think for you rather than think for
yourself.
9. If, when asked to prove an outrageously stupid statement of "fact," you
say: "Rush SAYS it's true!!!"
10. If you use your religion as a shield in a debate about ANYTHING.
11. If you think a Klan rally is freedom of assembly, but the Million Mom
March is "the manipulation of the collective American mind" [Rush Limbaugh,
5/15/00].
12. If you think David Koresh was a totally and completely innocent.
13. If you think that all children belong with their parents...unless they're
from Cuba.
14. If you name your guns.
15. If you think those Columbine kids wouldn't have killed anyone if the Ten
Commandments had been hanging in that cafeteria.
16. If you think that anyone who disagrees with your political views is a
Commie pinko tree-hugger faggot hippie socialist.
17. If you hate Clinton for cheating on his wife, but think that if Giuliani
does it, it's a "private matter" and therefore none of your business.
18. If you whine about problems, but offer no solutions.
19. If you call abortion "murder" and "infanticide," while calling the death
penalty "justifiable capital punishment."
20. If you call Clinton's trade relations with China "traitorous," but call
Bush's trade relations with China "a capitalizing international business
venture."
21. If you will never forget or forgive Clinton for his past, but are willing
to dismiss Gov. Bush's past cocaine addiction and Rudy Giuliani's current
extramarital affair.
22. If you credit Ronald Reagan with the current economic boom.
23. If you think video games are more dangerous than guns.
24. If you think anyone with an afro--besides Clarence Thomas--is dangerous.
25. If your idea of fun is polishing your A) rifles or B) golf clubs.
26. If you think Rush Limbaugh is witty...simply because he TELLS you he is.
27. If you say "divorce is bad" when you're on your second, third, or fourth
marriage.
28. If you think Ollie North is a "patriot."
29. If you think Timothy McVeigh got a bad rap.
30. If you think Newt Gingrich got a bad rap.
31. If you think the words "Hate the sin, love the sinner" is an excuse to
smoke, drink, and cheat on your spouse and still not be despised.
32. If you think that Dan Quayle is actually not as dumb as people say he is.
33. If you think Gov. Bush would be a presidential candidate even if it wasn't
for his mommy and daddy.
34. If you think it's OK for Rush Limbaugh and Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich
and Phil Gramm and Clarence Thomas, etc., etc., etc., to lie their way out of
Vietnam, but think that it's "un-American" when Bill Clinton does it.
35. If you think smoking cigarettes and getting cancer is proving to Liberals
that they can't tell when you can or can't smoke.
36. If you think Al Jolson was a great entertainer.
37. If you voted for David Duke.
38. If you considered voting for David Duke.
39. If you think that when MSNBC says something bad about Republicans they're
lying, but when they say something good about Republicans they're telling the
truth.
40. If you think "Fair and Balanced" means you listen to Rush AND Dr. Laura.
41. If rap music scares you.
42. If you just can't get enough square-dancing.
43. If you think Paul Shanklin's music is "hip."
44. If you think the word "goddamn" is evil but the word "nigger" is a
personal expression.
45. If you think Anita Hill is a lying bitch.
46. If your first birthday gifts were a teddy bear, a pacifier, and a
membership to the NRA.
47. If, when asked to prove a "fact" you've spouted to be true, you say:
"Well, you can't prove that it ISN'T true!"
48. If you would rather vote for Adolf Hitler than vote for a Democrat.
49. If you thought Charleton Heston and Ronald Reagan were good actors.
50. If you think that the 4-pages-an-issue "Limbaugh Letter" is a serious and
informative piece of reading material.
51. If you think "No More Clinton Gore" is the greatest slogan since "Read My
Lips."
52. If your favorite meals are Giant Panda steak and White Rhino rump roast.
53. If you'd rather donate money to the World Wrestling Federation than the
World Wildlife Foundation.
54. If you think the only reason spotted owls are becoming extinct is because
they're too stupid to just fly to another tree after theirs is cut down.
55. If you think Michaelangelo's "The David" is pornographic.
56. If you'd be privileged to have Clarence Thomas conduct your wedding.
57. If you get angry at liberals for hearing when a Republican leader says
something stupid.
58. If you think doctors are liberal commies because they say dieting is good
and smoking is bad.
59. If you have one or more mistresses.
60. If you're called a racist, bigot, and homophobe constantly and can't
understand it.
61. If you hate prime time TV because you think it's assaulting Americans with
"feelings" and "emotions."
62. If you spend more time being angry than being happy.
63. If you thought "A River Runs Through It" was a thrillride.
64. If you take offense at the very mention of the word "hypocrite."
65. If you think the "Limbaugh Institute For Advanced Conservative Studies" is
a real institute.
66. If you're dumb enough to believe that Rush Limbaugh is a real professor.
67. If you're dumb enough to believe that Laura Schlessinger is a real doctor.
68. If you snicker when Rush says the words "media orgasm" seven times in a
row.
69. If you think the name "Dubya" is a term of endearment.
70. If you've ever said the words: "I am not a racist, I have friends who have
black friends!"
71. If you've ever boasted about you'd never dragged anyone behind your truck.
72. If you think Archie Bunker was a great humanitarian.
73. You always make sure to look at the bright side of life dead last.
74. If you preach that capitalism is wonderful and that our economy needs to
grow and then get terrified beyond belief when it actually happens.
75. If you think we need to "head in a new direction" with a Republican
president (what direction, down?? We've been going UP for eight years!!)
76. If you think Clinton getting a blowjob was worse than Reagan and Bush
stealing money from your pockets.
77. If you think Voodoo economics works.
78. If you're stupid enough to believe that conservative GOVERNMENT
politicians are telling the truth when they say "Less government is good."
79. If you think the Gulf War was a war for freedom.
80. If you think that teaching is a stupid job and that insulting teachers and
public schools is fine to do.
81. If you think pollution isn't your problem and that liberals should quit
whining about it.
82. If you think the solution to forest fires is to cut all the trees down
before a fire starts so they can't burn up in the first place.
83. If you still use words like "Injun," "Negro," or "Chinaman."
84. If, when you say something racist or sexist, you get angry when people
call you racist and sexist.
85. If your license plate frame says "I'd rather be driving on a putting
green."
86. If you think Rush Limbaugh actually gives a damn about this country and
not just about his bloated wallet.
87. If you think Laura Schlessinger actually cares about anyone or anything on
this planet besides her bloated wallet.
88. If you think saying "I'm a good Christian!" somehow makes you a good
Christian automatically.
89. If you believed Ronald Reagan when he said he "didn't remember" anything
about Iran Contra.
90. If you think Newsmax.com is "fair and balanced" just like they say they
are.
91. If you post letters on bulletin boards screaming at Liberals and cheering
on Rush Limbaugh but are too cowardly to leave your email address.
92. If you think anything not involving you is unimportant.
93. If you'd rather die than admit Clinton may have been somewhat responsible
for the great economy and low welfare rate.
94. If you scream that "Liberals want more people on welfare!" and totally
ignore the fact that, under Clinton, welfare is DOWN lower than it's ever been.
95. If you scream that "Liberals want more people out of work!" and totally
ignore the fact that, under Clinton, unemployment is DOWN lower than it's ever
been.
96. If you think Haight-Ashbury was the sanctuary of Satan.
97. If you think Styrofoam is biodegradable and CFCs don't cause ozone
depletion so you'll feel okay about using them.
98. If you think the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette cartons is liberal
propaganda.
99. If you think the reason the majority of the country thinks right-wingers
are maniacs is because of "the media," and not the fact that right-wingers say
and do maniacal things.
100. If you think the Let's-Get-Clinton campaign as about ANYTHING other than
sex (the Starr report contains little to nothing about Filegate, Travelgate,
Chinagate, Whitewater, etc...but nearly EVERY page has something to do with
sex, sex, sex.)
101. If you pronounce it "Warshington."
102. If you think emotions and feelings are "stupid" and "ridiculous" and "a
waste of time."
103. If you wonder why Republicans are painted as heartless and cold just
because they think feelings and emotions are "stupid" and "ridiculous" and "a
waste of time."
104. If you'd sell your soul for the chance to shake hands with William F.
Buckley.
105. If you think George W. Bush exudes "intelligence."
106. If you think that your past means nothing as long as you repent.
107. If you think a repentance tomorrow is an excuse to act immoral today.
108. If you think that Pat Buchanan has a lot of good points about blacks,
immigration, Adolf Hitler, and gays.
109. If the only time you're overcome with joy is when you attend a National
Rifle Association meeting.
110. If you consider hypocrisy a hobby.
111. If your favorite pastimes are whining, complaining, being curmudgeonly,
being bitter, and frowning.
112. If you find that you just can't stop telling people what to do.
113. If you've read this far and hate my guts.
114. If you think Doug "The Greaseman" Trach made "a good point."
115. If you have dog-eared and/or highlighted particular pages in Rush
Limbaugh's books.
116. If, when asked how you know a particular piece of "knowledge," you say:
"Because I'm an expert!"
117. If you have ever said: "I know what I know--DON'T confuse me with the
facts!!"
118. If you think Rush has "a Constitutional right" to say whatever he wants,
but that Howard Stern is Satan's spawn and should be thrown off the air.
119. If "Birth Of A Nation" is your favorite movie.
120. If you think McCarthy had the right idea.
121. If you constantly quote the Constitution but can't name a single
contributor to it's creation.
122. If you use big words incorrectly in an attempt to sound intelligent.
123. If, when a Democrat quotes something wrong, you think they should be
kicked out of office or impeached, but when Rush Limbaugh says something wrong,
he's just been given bad information.
124. If you think balancing the budget on the backs of the poor is a wonderful
idea.
125. If you think Rush Limbaugh is going to stay married to Marta Fitzgerald.
126. If you wait until someone else comes up with a good idea and THEN say:
"Well, I thought of that before they did!"
127. If you credit the Republican party for "thinking" up things, but don't
give Democrats any credit for actually DOING those things.
128. If you think Ronald Reagan was a good family man (at a graduation
ceremony in Arizona in 1964 Reagan didn't even RECOGNIZE his son Michael and
had to ASK HIS NAME, and Patti Davis Reagan has disowned herself from the
family and posed nude in Playboy).
129. If you've ever sent Al Franken death threats.
130. If you have the number for the RNC on speed dial.
131. If you have Limbaugh's 1-800 number memorized.
132. If you think rock music is "wicked."
133. If you own one of those stupid Rush Limbaugh ties he tried to sell.
134. If you think Sean Hannity is a courageous and intelligent news
commentator.
135. If, basically, you just can't stand to see others have a good time.
136. If you wear your morality on your sleeve...right under your swastika
(ooh, that was low...sorry).
137. If you feel that white people have been oppressed by society.
138. If you pick and choose what parts of the Bible you think you can live by
(for instance, the sanctity of marriage would be thrown out, etc.)
139. If you think drinking a bottle's worth of champagne out of a crystal cup
instead of drinking a six-pack of beer straight out of the can means that
you're not a drunk.
140. If you think blacks whine too much about that whole "slavery" thing.
141. If you love the fact that your ancestors immigrated to this country, but
hate the fact that people are STILL coming over here.
142. If you feel that there is NOTHING at all a Democrat could EVER, EVER do
that you would consider "right." EVER.
143. If you can find a way to blame Clinton for ANYTHING that's going wrong in
the world.
144. If you group all Liberals together as one big, think-alike group, but get
angry when Liberals do the same thing to you.
145. If you have to keep insisting that "Rush DOESN'T think for me--he just
tells me what he thinks and I completely and utterly agree!"
146. If your last independent thought was "Hmm, I wonder what this 'Limbaugh'
guy is all about...I think I'll listen..."
147. If you're seething angry at Liberals when a Democrat is president...and
seething angry at Liberals when a Republican is president.
148. If you basically hate people that don't agree with you 100%.
149. If you scream at Clinton for vetoing certain bills, but never mention the
riders that the Republicans tack onto those bills that forced their veto.
150. If you somehow credit Clinton with things that went wrong even BEFORE he
was President.
151. If you've ever bombed an abortion clinic.
152. If you support the bombing of abortion clinics.
153. If you consider gun violence "no big deal" when it's minority gang
members shooting each other to death, but it's a "serious matter" when a
burglar breaks into an upper-middle-class home with a loaded pistol.
154. If you scream at Clinton for going to church, but defend Rush Limbaugh
when he decides NOT to attend regular church.
155. If you think the Columbine situation would have been remedied if students
were allowed to carry firearms to class.
156. If you hate the idea of teaching sex education for fear that children
might have sex, but think that gun education is a great idea.
157. If you've ever said: "I'd rather my son/daughter know how to use a gun
than a condom!!"
158. If, upon the introduction to ANY kind of protection for students
(metal-detectors, bag-searches, etc.), you scream that Liberals are taking away
our rights.
159. If, upon the vetoing of the idea of metal-detectors and bag searches, you
scream that Liberals have taken away our rights.
160. If you drive a Mercedes and live in a quarter-million dollar house and
whine about how Clinton is "stealing" from you.
161. If you live in a trailer in Podunk, Mississippi and complain that Clinton
is "stealing" from you, when you can very well find a job yourself.
162. If you think being a "rugged individual" means that you sip martinis,
smoke cigars, and get driven around in a limo.
163. If you refuse--or are unable to figure out how--to pump your own gas.
164. If you refer to Chris Rock as "that vulgar little jigaboo."
165. If you preach that schools are all Liberal bastions--to cover up the fact
that you actually dropped out of school yourself.
166. If you think there are more American Indians alive today than when
Columbus landed.
167. If you think there are more trees in America today than there were when
Columbus landed.
168. If you hate Clinton for the fires in Los Alamos, but are strongly in
favor of cutting down forests for firewood.
169. If you think saving the rainforest is stupid because you don't live
there.
170. If you couldn't care less what happens to the fossil fuel supply in 200
years because you'll be dead by then.
171. Basically, if you're a selfish bastard.
172. If you think our founding fathers were "justified" in their slave-owning.
173. If you have episodes of Rush's failed television show on tape.
174. If you think that the only reason Clinton was elected was because there
was a third-party vote.
175. If you believe any jerk off the street when they say "Clinton is a
rapist/murderer/druggie!", simply because you hate Clinton--but at the same
time will not believe a proven, documented, researched fact of a Republican
screw-up that is reported on the news.
176. If you refer to your child as a "bunchkin."
177. If you refer to your child as a "kidlet."
178. If your child hates you because you call them stupid names.
179. If you hate all rock musicians--except gun-loving hunter Ted Nugent, of
course.
180. If you cheered on the cops beating Rodney King.
181. If you pick and choose which Commandments you haven't broken already and
live by those.
182. If you think polls are all a bunch of lies...unless they are in favor of
Republicans.
183. If you think Ronald Reagan's likeness should be carved into Mt. Rushmore.
184. If you aspire to be just like Rush Limbaugh...and drop out of college
after the first week.
185. If you consider yourself an animal-lover because you own a parakeet.
186. If you hate entire groups of people based on what some loudmouth radio
host tells you.
187. If you wish Giuliani would give Clinton his prostate cancer.
188. If you think long hair on men is a sign of being A) a drug-addict B) a
hippie C) a Commie pinko C) a homeless person D) a wicked rock star E) a
slacker F) a "faggot" G) an anarchist.
189. If you forgot that Jesus Christ had long hair, too.
190. If you pick and choose what you want to believe is true in the world.
191. If you make up what you want to be true when it's not.
192. If you believe cigarettes don't cause cancer.
193. If you hate Liberals for thinking of conservatives as being mean and
heartless, but don't give them any indication that they're not.
194. Basically, if you're an angry person.
195. If you think Will Smith looks like a shady character.
196. If you think Bobby Knight is a great man (even though he choked dozens of
basketball players), but you hate Latrell Sprewell (because he choked a coach).
197. If you think those damn annoying Injuns should quit whining and go back
to India where they belong.
198. If you hate people who make "Rush is fat" jokes, but laugh like a loon
when Rush makes "Rosie is fat" jokes.
199. If you spend an inordinate amount of time trying to convince people that
you're NOT a hateful person, despite the things you say.
200. If you secretly want Al Gore to win the presidency so you have an excuse
to whine for four more years.
Stolen from a post by XaThega@aol.com on alt.fan.rush-limbaugh. Megadittos.
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